Hot take: Cats are just furry little dictators who’ve convinced us to clean their shitboxes while they plot world domination from the top of the fridge. Dogs? They’re just stoned frat bros who’d lick a toaster if you left it on the counter. Both are scamming us, but cats are the masterminds—those smug bastards know exactly what they’re doing.
Alright, let’s talk about the absolute scam that is pet ownership. You’re out here dropping $50 a month on organic, gluten-free kibble for a creature that shits in a box and looks at you like you’re the help. Cats are the worst offenders—those little sociopaths will knock your coffee mug off the table, stare you dead in the eyes, and then go nap for 18 hours like they just ran a marathon. And don’t even get me started on the "zoomies" at 3 a.m. when they’re sprinting across your face like it’s the goddamn Indy 500. Dogs? They’re not much better. They’ll eat a sock, puke it up on your rug, and then wag their tail like they deserve a Medal of Honor. Meanwhile, you’re on your hands and knees with a bottle of Febreze, questioning every life choice that led to this moment. Pet stores should come with a warning label: "Congratulations, you’re now a full-time servant to an animal that doesn’t pay rent." And yet, we keep signing up for this shit. Why? Because we’re suckers for a pair of sad eyes and a head tilt. Fuckin’ pathetic.
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